I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I AM VODKA MAN
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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