Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
