I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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