I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
