I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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