Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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