Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I want her autograph on my taint
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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