Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
