Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
