I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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