So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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