My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's never too late to be topless.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
