I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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