Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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