it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
