I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
