I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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