I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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