So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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