I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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