last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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