I think I just saw someone hide a body.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
