Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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