if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
