The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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