Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
