My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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