So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
