Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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