So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
