Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Who died my cat blue again?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
