I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
