alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
