Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
