So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
