and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
