you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
