true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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