I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
