I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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