yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
