I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
