he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
