Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
