I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
