What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
