There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
