fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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