First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
