fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
