eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
