??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
