i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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