I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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