I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
