apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
