I wish I could teleport
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
