I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hippo gnu deer
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Randomize
