oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
