just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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