My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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