woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
