im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
