T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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