I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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