it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
