If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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