I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
