If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
