well I can't set my house on fire every night
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
